Guilt Free Night?

I know I said that this blog wasn’t going to be so much about my Sillybug, but I didn’t say it wasn’t going to be about being a mom.

So tonight I’m sitting down (in my bed) to write my next post, which was about being odd, but I can’t stop thinking about another subject swimming in my head. So I’m putting my odd post behind me for another time.  I can’t get it to flow or sound…umm…not stupid.  Probably because I keep thinking about how guilty I feel about sitting in my bedroom with the door shut, okay not so shut, (I’ll tell you about that later) with my husband and daughter in the kitchen.

Why, why, why do I feel guilty????!!!!! Seriously, she’s been here 4 1/2 years and I can’t push the guilt of leaving them to themselves in the other room!  (Well, they are baking cookies, that might be why, I’m going to miss licking the spoon!) I digress, sorry. Guilt, I have never been able to totally shake it.  I can handle it when I go out and leave the house. However, It strikes worse when I’m at home with them, but not actually interacting with them.  If I’m working on something, like for school or making art, it’s not as bad, but if it’s a my husband says, “It’s okay you can go in our bedroom, watch Netflix or read, eat cookies, some might say have a glass of wine to relax.”, but I don’t drink (Nyquil doesn’t count, right, ha ha just kidding, maybe) kind of night, I get all crazy!  The guilt creeps in.

I should be in there making those cookies with them!  Aren’t I missing out on quality family time? I can’t lick the spoon! Does he know where the measuring spoon is, the difference between baking soda and powder??!!! (I’m not really sure about that one actually) Nervous breakdown approaching!!! Where’s the NYQUIL???!!!!

WAIT, STOP!!!

It’s going to be okay.  I need this time.  They need this time together, without me chiming in about how everything should be done.  I have made a gazillion cookies with her, watched movies, made crafts, and given her 20 million hugs and kisses.  Probably 100 kisses tonight alone.  They are going to be okay in that kitchen.

I need this time to chill, to remember and reflect on who I am. To settle my snarkiness (I think I just made that word up) and rid myself of that worse feeling(do I dare describe or admit it), that feeling of just needing to flee. And I don’t mean plan a trip with the girls to a cabin for the weekend, but a get in the car on a whim and not come back feeling.  That feeling is so much worse than guilt, at least for me.

So, here I am in bed, typing this post, while Sillybug and the Mister are happily bonding over cookies.  Reflecting, thinking, and wrapping my thoughts around this whole guilt thing.  Realizing for the first time that I need this and I can do this.  And maybe it’s not guilt that I feel, maybe it’s actually a feeling of wanting to be with them, but my mind, my spirit telling me, “Hey, you need to chill, by yourself, before you do something or say something you’re gonna regret.”

So, I’m going to continue to sit here and not feel guilty. Because to be honest, if I was in there it would not be “quality time”.  It would be “snarky mommy time”.  And there is nothing quality about that!

And maybe, if I’m lucky they’ll bring me a cookie with that icing, that they just came in asked me about, and then shut the door.

I hope this post helps you understand that guilt feeling a little better, maybe feel okay about it.  And realize that a little bit of me time will mean a little bit of actual quality time in the future. Like it did for me.

Thanks for reading,

Lindsay

Odd Fact about me:  I was born with not one, but two severely club feet.  I wore casts on my legs for almost the whole first year of my life.  The good thing, my mom could sit me anywhere and not worry about me wondering off. Plus, I have some really cool scars!

Sillybug Saturdays!

I’d like to introduce my first contributor to the blog.  I call her Sillybug.  She has a very creative imagination, likes to pretend, and make up stories, as do most 4 year olds.  I have decided to dedicate a weekly, okay it might be bi-weekly, post to her.  She is responsible for the subject or story.  I am going to write it in her words with limited edits.  So I apologize for the grammar, she is 4.  That being said, I’d like to introduce you to our first “Sillybug Saturdays!” post.  Enjoy!  I wish you could see the smile on her face as I post this for the first time.

  Ruby Night & Mommy Night Together

by Sillybug

Long ago in a far away land there was this tiny, tiny house with people named the Black Family.  There was a little girl named Ruby. There was Lindsay. She was Ruby’s mommy.  She loved to make art.  Her dad was named Josh. He liked to build things. There was a little dog named Chopper and a cat named Pedro. There were also 3 cats named Gray Kitty, Orange Kitty, & Pale Kitty. Then there were neighbors called Caleb, Courtney, Connie, & Clint. There was a dog named George and one named Louie.  There were 2 cats.

Ruby’s daddy was going to Jason’s house to watch the football game. Well, mommy and Ruby watched a movie while he was gone.  When it was bed time her mom put her to sleep.  Then it was morning. Everybody was waked up in the town. Ruby waked up really early to go see her mom and dad in their bedroom. And then it was tomorrow, the day Ruby had to go to school and mommy had to go to school. Daddy had to go to work. Then they slept and called it Ruby Night and Mommy Night All Together.

Ruby was scared and she thought there was a monster in her bedroom.  And then Superman and Batman saved Ruby from the bad guys. Next, bad guys captured Ruby.  Batman and Superman tried to save her.   Batman got hurt.  They took Ruby to where they live.  Next, they made Batman better.  They went off to fight again.  And then Robin came.  All the superheros came. One of them got hurt.  Flash got hurt

There was a cold storm.  There was a snow queen who got Ruby’s mom and dad.  Then Superman and Batman heard about it.  And then they knew that they had to rescue Ruby.  They had to leave her where they lived.  And then Ruby slept where they slept.  They ate there and Ruby had a birthday. And then her Birthday was over and Superman and Batman wanted to make her a superhero.

And then one day when Ruby was going fighting she called Superman because Robin was hurt. They took Robin to Ruby and Batman.  When they were flying up there the bad guys where trying to capture Ruby again. When they where there one of the bad guys hurt her side. Superwoman was being Ruby.  They had to train Ruby.  They gave her a weapon.  It was a sword.  Then she had trained with the sword.  Then when Batman trained Ruby there was bad guys coming to where they lived. Then Ruby had to hide where the clothes were. Then Ruby tried to get out.  Then Ruby saw that Batman got killed and she called for Superman.  He came and saved the day by bringing Batman back to life.

And then Ruby woke up.

The End.

For I Know the Plans I Have for You…Say Whaaat?

Most of us have heard that verse or seen that verse plastered, painted, and molded onto anything and everything.  Before I lose you though and get called a “hater”, let me just say this is not a post blasting this verse.  It’s a great verse.  As a matter of fact lots of other people think so too.  I Googled “the most popular Bible verses” and found that Bible Gateway Blog listed it as the #2 most popular verse searched, both in 2009 and 2012. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (NLT)

I struggle with the verse.  I struggle with having faith in the verse.  So much so that it was very clear that this should be the first thing, besides my introduction, to write about. 

I read this verse and I say to myself “Well, I’m glad you know God, because I sure don’t and I really wish you’d be more obvious about it.”  I think I know and I’ve tried some of those plans.  I’ve felt very passionate about those plans and then when they don’t go as planned, mainly in what I perceive as negative, I get discouraged.

My main example being that since I was blessed with my Sillybug I’ve wanted to stay home with her.  I’ve prayed, I’ve asked others to pray about it.  I’ve started side projects in hopes to stay home with her, but it didn’t happen.  This is the last year that staying home with her would have been possible.  Sillybug will be entering Kindergarten in the fall.  I flinch at the thought of that, every time. 

I love my work from home mom friends, but I have to admit I have gotten a little jealous of them at times.  I think it has probably even caused me to distance myself from them on occasion.  Although I get my summers off, it never seems like enough time. Yes, I realize some moms don’t even get summers.  I’m thankful for my summers, but I also feel like I’m cramming in 10 months of things I want to do for my Sillybug, husband, and others into 2 months.  I find myself saying “this is surely not the plan God, right?” as I’m collapsing on the couch from a day doing 500 gazillion fun, pinteresty things and hoping that something will happen that will allow me to not have to walk through those school doors come August. By the way, I love my students & making art with them, I just happen to love being with my own child & making my own art a tad bit more.

Sorry if the above sounded whiny(though honest).

Now back to the “what’s up with that verse” topic.  I’ve bought books, read blogs, and asked my preacher to do a lesson on understanding God’s plan for me.  Still I struggle.

So I decided that maybe I should write about it and see if putting my thoughts in type would help me gain a better understanding of this “plan”.  It’s working I must admit.  So I think I am going to stop writing this post for a few minutes, maybe a few days. Reread it, but not delete it and see what happens.

Minutes…

Maybe I’m not suppose to know God’s earthly plans for me.  Maybe it’s just His Heavenly plans for me.  Maybe that’s what this verse is truly saying.  “Lindsay just trust me, my plan is for you to make it to Heaven.  And it’s pretty awesome up here.”

More minutes…

Dear Lord,

I am really grumpy about not being able to work from home.  I promise I will work really hard making my own art, make dinner more, wash clothes instead of just buying more under ware, watch less T.V, and visit the nursing home more often.

That sounds like a good plan right, God. Please help me to not be so grumpy.

Lindsay

Lots more minutes…

Okay after rereading, a little bit of Facebook time(that always helps you think, right?), and reflection I’ve decided that the last piece I wrote, the prayer, was definitely whiny.  Sorry. And for now I’ve decided that of course God has plans for me, good plans, plans that should get me to Heaven and hopefully inspire others to go with me. That’s the most important plan. Though we as humans for centuries have had a hard time understanding that concept of the greater plan.

And things could be worse.  I could have a year around job and not have any time off with my family.  I have a husband who doesn’t hold it against me that laundry on occasion piles up (who likes doing laundry anyway).  I could be living in a cardboard box. 

I must admit though that it is hard for me to grasp and understand why something that I’m so passionate about hasn’t happened, but maybe it’s my lack of faith.  Maybe God is saying, “Lindsay, you asked to stay home, but you wouldn’t trust in me enough to make that happen.  My plans for you on earth were good ones, but you didn’t trust me.” 

Maybe I’ll reflect on that a bit and maybe I’ll reread this over and over and it will sink in, maybe I’ll take God’s plan and trust in Him to make it happen.  I wish I could say I truly have got God’s plan for me on earth figured out now, Yee-Haw! I wish I could inspire you with an amazing ending to this thought.  I wish I could say writing this post helped me figure it all out and I can now go this day forth and be content with my life as it is. Sorry I can’t.  Yes, writing this has given me something to think about and reflect upon.  Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow going, Yes, I’ve got it all figured out. I’m hoping there will be a part 2. But until then, I’d love to hear your thoughts on Jeremiah 29:11.  Have you gotten discouraged by this verse or is this verse uplifting and motivating to you.

I’d like to end each post with an odd little thing about me.  So here’s the first one.

I HATE salads! And most green foods, especially lettuce.  Just the other day I asked the guy at Blue Coast Burrito to pick the 3 pieces of lettuce out of the cheese he piled into my burrito. It would have just ruined the whole thing!

 

 

Oh My Goodness!

Yep, that was the first thought as I began to type this and delete this and retype it.  Oh my goodness, I’m blogging again.  Maybe this one won’t get lost in outer space like the last two.  I like writing.  I blogged about my pregnancy and the first year of my daughter’s life.  Then I did a few oddly ambitious things and blogging just didn’t fit in my schedule.  I missed it and tonight I actually found the old pregnancy blog from 3 years or so ago and reread all my post.  I thought about just continuing that blog. Just picking up like I never left or that time had warped and poof here I was three years later like nothing happened.  But a lot has happened and I felt it necessary to start fresh and that blog was all about being pregnant and my Sillybug.  I looooove her, but there is a slightly bit more to me than being Sillybug’s mom.  Oh my goodness, did I just say that??!!! Yes, I did and that’s okay.  It took me a couple years to figure that out, that’s another post though. Told you I’m going to be honest. If you’ve already read the “About” section, you know there is a lot more to me.

Sooooo, here’s what to expect.

Honesty

Odd thoughts and adventures!

Odd things I make (I have a shop http://www.oddlittlethings.storenvy.com and FB page) Shameless self-promotion

and…

a little Sillybug.  Because, though she is not my whole life, she is a major percent of it, and she is pretty cute.

Oh!  I can’t leave out Mr. Odd Little Thing.  He’s pretty crafty too and handsome in rugged kinda way:). Honesty.

So enjoy my oddity, my calamity, my drama, my art, my life.  My hope is I help you either feel a little less odd or embrace your oddness.

Lindsay